i can't help it

I really wish she could understand how hard this decision was to make. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my best friend, but Josh is also my best friend. She can say she's mostly mad about the fact that we hid it from her, whatever. The fact remains that she's mad and she was going to be mad either way.

No offense meant towards anyone involved, but she didn't know him the way I know him. I could tell when he was fake around her and when she was fake around him. I don't get pissed off when he teases me and calls me a dork and tells me to go back to "dorkville" because I know in about 5 seconds he's going to pull me back over towards him. I know that when he says he loves me he means it, and that even though he's in Arizona I can trust him and he trusts me entirely. His grandma likes me and his mom loves me. His mom said she could always tell who he'd been hanging out with by what kind of mood he was in. I love the way he smiles when something actually grabs him and he can't help it, and I love that he does it all the time when he's with me.

Autumn was my very best friend and I wish she could understand what a difficult decision this was for me. I tried to avoid it but how often do you feel this swept away by someone? I could seriously marry him tomorrow and know that I would be happy for the rest of my life.

We've already talked about moving in together and talked about me moving to Arizona. Neither one of us keeps anything from the other and he doesn't lie to me. I know he's lied to past girlfriends, and I know he's cheated on past girlfriends, but he's only cheated on the ones who've treated him badly. I also know him too well for him to be able to lie to me.

I know mine and Autumn's friendship is over, and that sucks. It really sucks. I still don't feel like I'm the one that threw out this friendship. Yes, I damaged it, but I didn't throw it away. She always said I was her heart, so why can't she understand why I did this?

I'm not asking for immediate gratification on this matter whatsoever, but if she could for once just listen to my side and how I feel without asking why I would do this to her I think it would help.

I didn't set out to do anything to her. It's not about her.

Alright, it's time for me to pass out. I'm dead. 'Night!